Iv had a massivly up and down day and my heads a mess, so i decided doing this was gonna be a good idea to sort it out, firstly i got up mega late. then i had to go and give my ex his dvd's and stuff back, which pissed me off cause only a few week ago he was still in love with me, but i had got with fes, and basically he's worth ten of the other one, and he didnt even want the dvds back till he got this new gf, who i am aware of her existence, only through bad rumours, never spoke to the girl she might be an angel, but yeah your noever gonna love your ex's new girl are you, anyway i fucked about trying to look good , as girls do, only for him to pick me apart and rip me up, and he didnt even bring my harry potter dvd. anyway i asked why he was being a twat and he said 'iv always been like this..' which was true, which gutted me, cause why did i spend 2 years with a fucker who just upset me and put me down? really though? he did aswell, music, films, clothes, make up, he always had to have a dig at. Once that was over i went and met fes, who i was just so overly happy to see after his mongy face i cried, i was frozen stiff and had smoked myself into obliovion having not eaten all day, fes took this into account and took me to the nerest cafe nero to get hot chocolate, i actully couldnt let go of him i was so happy he was there, i miss him so fucking bad being at uni, just giving him a cuddle makes any shit melt away. I was still gutted about this ex thing, but even if the guy was a dick its still shit knowing he's doing stuff with her he did with me, hay ho such is life, i made my situation worse by looking at their myspaces, they're devoted aparetly, to sex... and the fact he constantly wears a hat, he does exactly what he did with me with her, i.e watch 2 pints of lager relegiously and eat chinese, on MY sofa, and have the same buzz's when i was doing my best to preserve what memeories i had with him, and not do the same shit with fes. god annoying. back to cafe nero, i finised my hot chocolate and the cream of fes's, after he had dropped a cig n it rolled into some g's foot and we had to formulate a plan to get it back without lookin OTT. itwas funny, proper lifted my spirts. then it dawned on me how fucking marvin i was, so we went to the pub and i had a fat rare steak and he had skampi or somet mingin, cpouldnt eat it all and he helped me. then we decided ice skating would be fun, it really was £7.50 though! we got a good hour on the rink, and even though im an accomplised skater i still fell on my arse well hard and it was wet and mingin, fes who was scared shitless to start with didnt fall once. then it was time to have a last cig and walk me to the trian station to come back to crap liverpool on my own cause he couldnt get tomorrow of work, but he will be coming tomorrow night, well today night, i plan to sleep all day till he rings me to tell me he's off the train. i got gutted sat waitin for the train and asked if i could break his leg so he would get tomorrow of work, he thought about it and politly declined. Its weird being back with him, we were together when we were 15, and i loved him to bits, like uncintrolably, then he ended it and i was guted, sweore id never do relationships again, till this ex, and it wasnt even worth the shit it came with, i can see why my ex is pissed off 'mr d' il call him, cause fes was my childhood sweetheart, but gettin back with him seemed so right, i didnt do anything wrong it was after we split, but being back with him its so weird, its got all the beauty of a brand new relationship, but the comfort we know each oher so well. I cheated on mr D with fes around christmas, then me and mr d split up and me n fes had a small thing that i ended beleiving he wasnt arsed about me, when infact i broke his heart. in a weird way i now saw us as equals. so much shit has happend in the past with me n fes, we have fucked each other over big time, but this time i dont know, i miss him so much my heart aches, so gay to say it but true, i can handle him soldily for 3 days, then i need an hour to chill, but as soon as i leave or he leaves i get devestated, i cry and feel shit, but his little smile and fucking beautiful eyes make me feel so much better. I cant wait for him to get here and be all cold, im gonna get in bed with him a brew and a cig and just keep him there all night, i miss him well badly. I am upset about lookin on myspace, the thing that upset me most is mr d knows how much i doted on his dogs and loved them, i was there from one of them being born, and that dog was my fucking life, i loved him, he has said to this new girl on myspace that if he dies he is gonna leave the dogs to her, when he texted me saying they didnt like her, god why does it always come back to the dogs, i miss his mum alot to, she was safer than safe. When me and fes split up i missed his dog sandy like fuck too, now i have sandy again so all isnt lost. but yeah, why can boys hide feelings when girls proper cant? if im annoyed i have to say, if im upset i have to say, boys just seem to be able to fuck it off, like fes when i suggested we end it in feb and he just said ok even though he is gutted, whats also annoyig is when i told mr d i was with fes he proper begged for me back sayin he couldnt live without me and missed me as much as his grandad and he was planning on asking me back at the christmas market and gettin his K tattoo foinished and all this balls, and then he text me sayin he was seein someone andit was only cause i said i would never get back with him, which is just tight on this girl anyway, but yeah... what a bullshitter. im most gutted he is just going over our memories with her, not making new ones. im just gonna focus on making life mint with fes, what upsets me is like, i know were ment for each other but, arent we too young this time? and could our link handle another fuck up, to start with this year he was just an amazing shag, when he said i love you and i didnt say it back i thought nothing of it, but in the last few months iv fallen deeper and deeper for him and just cant imagine the pain of breaking up. i didnt want to fall for him so bad again, especially so soon after mr d, cause i didnt want to hurt his feelings even more. when i ended it with mr d and then we got back together only for him to end it 2 days later... that was cowardly, but i just agreed, and the break up itsself wasnt too bad cause i knew i was moving hear and making a whole new life, it would be shit being in manchester and knowing i could bump into him and her at anytime. i love my little sancutuaty here, more so when fes is here with me, he always makes me feel safe, with his big massive arms and intense eyes, i can tell enything just from his eyes. it was weird when i saw fes the first time after he started workin in a woodplace, he had gone from podgey boy, to muscly man, i felt like id won the lottery, from then on i knew i would be cheatin on mr d with him, he knew i wouldnt resist it was jsut a matter of when, and when it came to mul having a gathering, his boyish stupid ways made it impossible, i did feel so guilty and bad on mr d but he would never give me any attention,just threw his money about, and he was shit in bed, i hope he is still a premature ejaculater... haha, yeah i felt bad but im pretty sure he did stuff, i just wasnt arsed, the last 6 months of our relationship was dead, it was just who was gonna end it and when. we had had the perfect relationship for nearly a year till last sept when i went away for a weekend and never having been a possesive girlfriend felt the need to check his phone and found messages of someone called tom, when it was a girl and he lied and lied till i rang it, next day i asked to see his myspace, more proof he was a lying fuck, just messagin millions of girls, after that all the trust had gone and it just went downhill. he made me feel fat useless ugly stupid boring, when he found out i had applied late for graphic art at ljmu he shit a brick, he thought id be there forever,panderin to him waitin around while he dicked about in his shit 'band' just tryna get big with the satans crew, even though he is just proper tryna be scene and get in with them lot, so gay. i think me moving was a big contrabuting factor to him gettin out, hes gonna be stuck in his shit job till he moves to another shit job, thing was i felt really sorry for him and let him blame his parents and shit, but as affore mentioned his mum was a proper sweetheart. Fes aint got the job of his dreams, but he has fun at work and enjoys goin, which is rare as fuck, its shit pay, but it gets him to liverpool n back and a fair few pints inbetween, im happy he is happy, like mr d he is very clever, unlike mr d he doesnt show off, mr d's showin off got him no where... but fes' doesnt show off and has a job he loves goin too. i love how modest fes is, he is amazing on guitar and bass, unlike mr d who was also amazin but had to be better than everyone else and proper show off.
i cant help but think myspace is the root of all that is shit, i had a mate crying over it today, its shit everyone knows everyone and eveyones buisness, even though i know lookin at their profiles is gonna upset me i still do it, i know this guy was a prick and still is, but it still hurts hes doing OUR stuff with someone else, i feel harsh cause i know i dont want him, but i dont really want him to be happy, in a realy selfish way i still wanted him to be hung up on me, that sounds so bad, but mary put it into context 'you've got an amazing boyfriend' and i really do. today started shit, and got mint, swoopin round the ice with my boy and eatin fat steaks, just got shit again when i had to leave him, im going bed now to await him gettin here tomorrow, from now on this is going to be my place for a moan
love